Most People Who Say They Don't Want Kids Will One Day Change Their Minds

When I was a wee lad there were a couple of times when I heard a bunch of my family talking to my older cousins about them one day having kids. And my cousins all argued that not only did they not want to have kids, but they also didn't even want to settle down and live with the same person forever. They wanted to become independent, to spend their money on cool gadgets, to travel to exotic places, and to freely date many people without having to commit to a single one. It makes a whole lot of sense, it's something very simple and very appealing. After all, from a minimalistic and even stoic point of view, the fewer responsibilities you have in your life, the easier your life becomes. If we're talking about secondary things, as opposed to the very basic needs like food and shelter, the logic becomes that the best way to avoid mental distress about anything is to simply not have that thing in your life. It rather reminds me of an episode of Malcolm in the Middle when Lois, the mom, is going to be away for a few days, leaving her three rowdy sons on their own, and as she gives them the standard lecture before leaving, she shows them a blue jar and goes on and on about how that jar is the only material possession she cares about. But then she drops it on the floor and it shatters. That way she can go about her business without having to worry about whether or not her sons would shatter it with their crazy shenanigans... It would then appear that life becomes categorically easier by avoiding things rather than having them, so why would anyone want to have kids? And moreover, why would anyone gradually change their tune after years of proclaiming their desire for independence? Well, in my opinion that's just because, for a whole lot of people, having kids eventually becomes a basic necessity, just like food and shelter.

Indeed, it becomes something very much akin to Maslow's pyramid. People get out of college and what they want the most is to achieve their basic needs on their own. That means getting a stable job, saving money, getting a nice apartment and making it their nest with all the stuff in the world they enjoy. With that done, the first two layers of the pyramid are fulfilled, and while fulfilling them brings us a lot of happiness at first, we find it soon fades and we discover that this status or experience that evoked so much lust has now lost all of its charm. So we start thinking that we want a new stage in our lives, and that comes with the next two layers of the pyramid. So we start working out, we start wanting to become more active and healthy, both to boost our self-esteem but also to attract a long-term partner. And then we do find that partner, we enjoy living together for a little while, just having fun, traveling, and then, shockingly enough, even that becomes boring. So what then? How do we reach the top of the pyramid, the most abstract layer of all? In that final instance people need to find a deep vocation, one that will imbue meaning into their lives forever. And from what I can gather in my very limited observations, most people find their self-actualization precisely in being parents.

I think a true self-realization goal can only come from something objective, that is to say, at least in this case, something that exists independently of us, but it's quite possible that no such thing exists. If the universe is a seemingly random place, then what we decide goes, it's up to each individual human being to do the best with what he or she has been given, and to find their own path in life. Thing is, that is much easier said than done. Thus, the secular humanist idea is kinda flawed, this thing with finding one's own path in life isn't that obvious, the truth appears to be, at least the way I see it, that the vast majority of people don't really commit themselves to what they consider to be an objective ideal. Maybe because that ideal varies a whole lot. For example, for Shakespeare it would be literature, for Van Gogh it would be painting, for Stanley Kubrick it would be filmmaking, for Daigo Umehara it would be Street Fighter, and for Moses it would be God. In essence, an objective ideal, except for perhaps that last example, isn't objective per say, it just appears to be because all of those people I mentioned seem to have felt a calling, they seem have felt a drive that so utterly and completely led them to dedicate their entire lives to that calling. So it's objective because it appears to exist outside of them, but it's also subjective because it's an experience that only exists in them. And for the average Joe in the street, the average person who, though he likes to read, to paint, to watch movies, to play games and to read the Bible, but nevertheless doesn't particularly want to create something new, what does he do instead? He creates what he can create, and so he becomes a parent.

In that sense, becoming a parent fulfills that calling as well. When you become a parent you find yourself having created something, or someone rather, who exists independently of you, a completely new and self-aware person but who also only exists precisely because of you. The kid is a big part of you but he has also gained a life of his own. According to that reasoning, when an artist says his work came alive and possessed him to complete it no matter what, even at the cost of his own well-being, he's not really being over-the-top dramatic, it kinda makes a lot of sense, and likewise it makes a lot of sense when he calls his work of art his baby... I've come to believe that when our basic needs have been met we need to find a very strong reason to continue living and to have meaning in our lives, otherwise you merely achieve your independence and you spend your money on secondary things to make your life better and more fun, but you soon realize you're at the endgame. And I imagine it can cause some existential dread to suddenly realize, in your twenties or early thirties, that there really isn't much more for you to do in life... I mean, what will you do? Keep dating, keep traveling, keep eating fancy food? That's all nice but won't you get a “been there, done that” kind of feeling? In video game terms, you've built your character, you explored the overworld, you completed all the side quests, and then you start to feel like you ought to go for the main quest but you can't quite find it. Eventually you'll get very bored and tired of searching the things that make you feel good, and you'll want instead to find something that makes you feel meaningful. Because sooner or later we always find that all pleasure fades, and well-being is utterly pointless without meaning.

So, assuming you won't become the next great tortured artist, you might have to become a parent, which is what the vast majority of people do. Hell, a whole lot of tortured artists end up becoming tortured parents as well, so it could be that even art isn't enough, and the artists that don't become parents might not be any better off either, I dunno... On that note I reach my second point as to why most people will eventually change their minds, namely that a day will come when your decision won't be a rational decision at all, it will be a biological impulse already made for you. I'm inclined to believe that, as far as nature is concerned, all that matters is that people leave their genes behind as a living legacy. That's it. That means nature isn't really all that interested in who you are, what dreams you have for the future or even who you are as a person. All that is kinda pointless in a way, and certainly secondary as to whether or not you personally reproduce and keep this party going. Nature expects this from every living thing, from cats and dogs, to worms and snails, to humans and aliens. As long as you exist, nature will keep knocking at your door, forever trying to get you to change your mind regarding your entirely rational decision to not have kids, until one day you'll realize, though it can't quite be said to be a realization per say, that the best for you really would be to become a parent.

That isn't to say it will happen to every single person though. I'm happy to believe there are a whole lot of people out there who entirely prefer to be childless and that, all throughout their lives, the idea of becoming parents never even remotely entered their brain. And in my somewhat anti-natalistic pessimism I salute them. I just don't think rationality is enough, at least for most people, and it's just fascinating to see how someone's tune changes so completely even if the accurate premises and cold logic of the initial argument still remain strong. If what you want is independence, an easygoing life, the freedom to travel and to have a good time, then having a kid will most likely anchor you to the same place, it will imprison you in the same responsibility for quite a few years, or at the very, very least you certainly can't claim becoming a parent will give you more freedom than not becoming a parent... And regardless of anything rational I could possibly say, it would appear that at a certain point nature has a brilliant way of tricking us into preferring meaning over freedom.

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